Clergy Sermons

Soon after the election and before the inauguration, I listened to a class taught by Rabbi Jan Urbach for the Jewish Theological Seminary entitled Speaking Across the Divide.  She is wondering about the question that I have lifted up for many years that has grown even more difficult and painful in the past month: Can we as a country, a Jewish community or synagogue or even across national borders continue to stay connected despite our differences?  I believe that especially now, when it might feel especially hard to do – it is vital than ever – and that we can find some guideposts in this morning’s portion. 

Rabbi Urbach began with an unscientific poll using the Zoom poll feature – and while for all that a poll like this lacks scientific accuracy – the numbers reflect a deeper truth that I believe is true.   

Her first question was: How many people have lost a significant relationship due to our political difference? 50% said they had.   

Then she asked: “How many have people you are not talking to? 25%;  or are not talking to you?  Also 25%.  

How many people don’t have these conversations across difference because it seems pointless?  50%.   

How many think it is essential to have discussions across the divide? 60% 

We need to talk across the divide.  I do understand the frustration of feeling that I am making efforts to listen and engage while not being listened to, spoken at and not seen.  And even more challenging, sometimes the barriers I seek to cross result engages with ideas that to me are offensive and wrong.  Why not just double down on activism and protest?  Do protest.  Do find your voice and allies.  Do realize you can make more of a difference than you imagine.  But please, don’t be part of the angry divide that is occurring.  

Why wouldn’t I simply avoid those people? The feeling that nothing will come from engaging with them is so strong and often true.  But let’s explore that conclusion.  We need different points of view.  Thinking differently helps us access truth that we would not otherwise understand.  In this week’s portion, Jethro confronts Moses with a possible way to organize the judicial system that Moses never thought of.  When I create a little space to listen - even if I am an activist opposed to the person whom I am seeking to stay connected to. I move away from group think and examine my opinion in a deep way. As much as I try to be informed and consider myself thoughtful and rational – I, like all of us, are subject to being influenced by my experiences, emotions, pre-conceptions and cognitive biases.  Staying in touch with those with whom I passionately disagree speaks to the need for humility, to always learn, to re-examine conclusions – no matter how

right I think I am.  Then, we might find common ground.  We keep connected – and that matters. 

Note that in the encounter with Moses, Jethro is not interested in victory or rubbing Moses face in his mistake.  He doesn’t want to feel right, be angry or demean. He connects to Moses out of relationship and care. Look carefully at their interaction – (p. 433,vs. 8, 9) Jethro listens to every detail of Moses’ and the Israelite’s story. He rejoices over Moses success. He acknowledges Moses God – which wasn’t his God – “Blessed be the Lord who delivered you from the Egyptians and from Pharoah.”  If we are to engage across the divide – it has to come from a place of relationship and not ego.  We need to value their story and acknowledge their humanity. Can we do that? Can we care about the person we disagree with in a real way?  I believe we must – otherwise we will break apart.  

Notice 18:14 (p. 434) that when Jethro sees Moses do something that concerns him he asks about it rather than accuses.  (vs. 14) “What is this thing that you are doing to the people?  Why do you act alone, while all of the people stand about you from morning until evening?”  He approaches Moses with curiosity. He asks clarifying statements and gives Moses a chance to explain. He teaches us to ask before we tell.  He seeks to understand where Moses is coming from and what it is in Moses’ story that lead him to believe that he needs to judge the people day and night. When Moses explains that he feels he must represent the people before God, Jethro helps him see the consequences of his behavior. Moses was so caught up in his responsibilities that he could not see any alternative.  The only way across the divide is to seek to understand the person who we are talking to. The sweet spot is when our goal is to be in relationship.   

Effective communication occurs on an emotional level.  It is not about facts or policy, but about things we love, value and fear.  When you can get to that place, things open up.  Did you notice that Jethro points out that what Moses was doing was not good for Moses well-being – he would wear himself out.  He names a fear that I imagine Moses know it in his heart of hearts – when it is seen and named by Jethro, Moses’ heart opens. When we access emotions and story we sometimes discover the person is more complex than their position which is upsetting us.  

The most basic advice in good communication is to speak in I statements.  Look at verse 19: Jethro says, “Now listen to me, I will give you counsel and God be with you!” Jethro knows this. 

Jethro is straight forward, but nonjudgemental - “The thing you are doing is not right; you will surely wear yourself out, and these people as well. For the task is too heavy for you; you cannot do it alone.  He talks in a way Moses can hear.  If we are to talk across the divide, we have to be so careful – getting angry or sarcastic will never change a mind.  Knowing how to talk to the person with whom we are in a conversation is key.  Ask yourself: Who am I talking to?  How might they hear?  If our goal is simply to be right – don’t have the conversation.   

Rabbi Urbach teaches that we need to think about the circumstances where we have a difficult conversation.  Are we calm? Is one of us activated or anxious?  Do we have time to talk?  Who else is there?  Notice that Jethro and Moses conversation takes place privately.  Too often, if someone else is there, we can’t have a difficult conversation.  She gives the example of a grandparent with a strong connection to Israel talking to a grandchild feeling disconnected with and angry about Israel.  A discussion at the table when others are there will never work – it will devolve into angry words, one-upping, discounting and a situation where no one is listening.  Go for a walk.  Say “I want to have a real relationship and understand your position and if you are open explain mine.”   Picture that walk with a grandparent and grandchild – really listening. “I understand how you feel.”  “Tell me how you came to think this way.” Humanize and appreciate the other. 

 Jethro gives advice that remains relevant to this day.  He instructs Moses to teach the Israelites so they can reach their own opinions.  Delegate.  Empower. Share responsibility.  Jethro suggests a legal system where there are local courts, courts about them, and courts above them.  Moses would only be called upon in rare moments. He would appoint capable, trustworthy, ethical people to serve as judges.  His advice has stood the test of time – strong, stable legal systems with trustworthy, courageous judges are the foundation of stable governance.  

Go back for a moment to what Jethro says to Moses in pointing out that what he was doing was not right (vs. 18) “You will wear yourself out and the people as well.”  How will it wear the people out?   There are many interpretations we can offer. One interpretation reflects that if they are sitting around with unresolved conflict – simmering resentments will explode; boredom almost always is corrosive.  Another interpretation teaches that if the impact on the people have to wait and wait for Moses to anser, they will be rendered helpless – unable to figure out what to do on their own.  Perhaps the most significant piece of this morning’s portion is that the people now have agency – even if their rulings might not be as good as Moses, this empowerment would lead to a widespread investment in the system.  Now we could persist beyond Moses as the Israelites to step into new roles.  

Whenever the message of turning toward each other is taught – there always must be caveats.  There are some people, who despite our best efforts will never listen and we simply cannot find ways to stay connected.  Similarly, there are certain positions which are immoral and cannot be tolerated.  That said – let’s make those the exceptions and not the rule.  Our moment in history and turning toward one another amidst seemingly insurmountable differences is necessary in order to hold together as a community and a nation.  Let’s remember that if we don’t have these discussions the risk is that we turn against one another. It requires wisdom, courage, hard work, persistence, patience, perspective and vulnerability.  We can learn to have these difficult conversations. We can find ways back to one another.   Thank God we have Moses and Jethro to gently teach us that there is a way forward. Let’s walk together.